Jul 13

Jul 13 Do Secret Good Things

Are we collectively aching to receive good news? Are we aching for solace?

I’ve been turning to the poetry of Hermann Hesse. And perhaps it’s time to reread Steppenwolf, which was one of Clarice Lispector’s favourite books. The line from the book about the magic theatre, would probably be a cool tattoo. “Not for everybody.” Which should also be the epigraph to most really great books. Or perhaps this blog, lol.

But okay, here’s this poem:

Now and Then

by Hermann Hesse

Now and then everything feels wrong and desolate,
and sprawling in pain, weak and exhausted,
every effort reverts to grief,
every joy collapses with broken wings.
and our longing listens for distant summons,
aching to receive news filled with joy.

But we still miss bliss
fortunate fates elude from afar.
Now is the time to listen within,
tend our inner garden mindfully
until new flowers, new blessings can blossom.

{translated by Ludwig Max Fischer}

Hesse brings me back to love, back to the soul. I have often quoted this by him: “To cut through the charades of this world, to despise it, may be the aim of great thinkers. My only goal in life is to be able to love this world, to see it and myself and all beings with the eyes of love and admiration and reverence…” I do understand that this might seem an impossible task right now. The impulse is to yell at those doing things you, most of us, consider irresponsible or selfish. Maybe this helps if you’re famous or have an enormous reach on social media but most of us would just be yelling at those who have the same beliefs as we do anyway on, say, Twitter. It seems radical to wonder if we could despise less and love more, right now.

How else could you spend your time productively and in ways good for your own mental health? (Which is contagious and helps the mental health and levels of anxiety of those around you). What can you find to love? Again, Hesse: “It is true for love as well as art. Whoever is able to adore the grandiose a little bit, is less and poorer than the person who can be enthused by something minute.”

Now is the time to sit and remember what it is you love and who you love and why. Go to great inner lengths to do this. Do not shirk.

Remind yourself of what you are passionate about. What minute things do you love?

“I was sleeping, and being comforted
by a cool breeze, when suddenly a grey dove
from a thicket sang and sobbed with longing,
and reminded me of my own passion.

I had been away from my own soul so long,
so late-sleeping, but that dove’s crying
woke me and made me cry. Praise
to all early-waking grievers!”

– Adi al-Riga

Don’t stay away from your soul.

But okay, would you like some tangible advice, something that will soothe your soul? Here is what I’ve been doing, which I tell you even though it spoils it. Do secret good things. Make a goal to do one a day, or one a week, or one as often as you are able. I’m sure you don’t need my ideas, but you can take someone flowers from your garden, give your grocery store clerk a coffee card, give a homeless person a card to McDonald’s or wherever, donate money online to a homeless shelter. & Etc. The secret to feeling good is to generally keep it to yourself.

Here’s a dorky story that I’ve kept with me my whole life. I was in grade one, I know this because we moved house the following year. I knew that the woman down the street was older and alone and unwell. It snowed a lot one winter and I had a red plastic shovel and when it did snow I sneaked down and cleared her walk. Probably did a terrible job, but there it was. I remember doing this several times but once, she came out her front door and called me over and tried to give me a two dollar bill (which have long been discontinued and which is entirely beside the point — but I can vividly picture that two-spot waving in the wind and her in her floral house dress holding the screen door open and how cold it was). It was super nice of her, I’m sure. But all I can remember feeling was that it was all ruined, that I’d been caught, and it was ruined, the gift was. I wasn’t doing it for money, it was just this secret thing that had been making me feel good. I ran away without the cash and cried and I’m not sure anyone really understood why. Maybe they did.

So anyway, what that taught me was to just be more stealthy, and to do secret good things.

Also, an aside, I remember really loving that dumb little red shovel. The sound of it digging into the snow. You know? Remember when the things we now call work were just plain fun and delightful? I’m still that dorky weird little white haired ghost kid who never hardly spoke a word to anyone outside my family and because of that my mom would always get phone calls saying I should be “tested” since I must not be very smart.

You can see why I’ve always taken the words of master Hongren to heart.